by Charles Hakes
The New York Times this morning informed me as follows:
The goal of diversity over qualifications is good news for me because I've always had a hankerin' to be in the NBA. Therefore, I've penned this open letter to Joe Dumars, President of the Detroit Pistons: Dear Joe: A number of fans I know think you made a bad choice by trading Chauncey Billups but now that the team probably has a little more loose change I offer you the ultimate politically correct staffing choice for diversity-- me. I'm a Pistons fan and win or lose I enjoy watching the team. But every time I do so it makes me acutely aware that the team lacks ethnic balance. You see, your players are all fine, young athletes, almost all of whom are black. Your team lacks the balance of having an old beat-up white guy on board. In the true spirit of ethnic diversity, I offer you the opportunity to fill that void. Think of the joy the fans will feel watching me on the floor with the rest of the Pistons, while they revel in the knowledge that at last the Pistons team more fully represents the diverse fabric of American culture. I can almost feel the fans' enthusiasm for this important initiative. Win or lose, they will love you for adding me to the team. Here is some of what I can offer the team:
I do have some old white guy accommodations that I'd like to ask of the team:
In return for these accommodations I promise that I'll stay near the opponents' basket on Piston fast breaks. In the meantime I'm proceeding with some requests to the NBA that will make old white guys more fun to watch in the NBA in future years:
I can hardly contain my enthusiasm and anticipation. I can almost hear the fans now, stamping their feet, waving their arms in the air, making the "we're #1" gesture, and screaming "Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!" when I proudly saunter onto the floor in my Pistons uniform. I think that's what I hear them screaming. |
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